So when this year started, I was determined to look for the positive and to believe the best was going to happen. I am not the most positive person…in fact, I am a problem solver, but with that comes the fact that I will see all the problems first.
This year has been ROUGH so far. It has been full of pain and frustration. I have been quiet on the blog and I go through phases of quiet on social media in general. Some painful events happened all while I was sincerely believing good was going to prevail. What has been amazing to watch is that for every pain, there has been good. I haven’t been left alone to wallow in sadness, but God has been close, letting me know that I can still anticipate.
In February, my faithful furry companion of the last eight and a half years took an extremely sudden turn for the worse, and within hours I had to make the decision to put her to sleep. This was an event that I had honestly thought was still a bit in the future. She had been sick and I knew the time would come to let go of my dog, but it was still too soon. The pain was awful. I had tried writing about it, but it just seemed so silly to be hurting so deeply over my pup.
About six weeks later, I had gotten pretty knee deep in the search for a new furry companion. I had an exact picture in my head of what the perfect situation would be. Then I saw this face and all those I threw those pictures in my head out the window. Having a puppy has been a challenge, but there has been lots of laughs and my heart has been filled more than I could have imagined. Through this situation I have learned that it is possible to be joyful in grief and to anticipate that grief does not have to be defining.
Fast forward a few months and another pretty heavy situation came into my life. It shook me to the core. I again did not ever believe I would be dealing with this circumstance and was extremely unequipped to handle it. I walked into that week feeling lost, vulnerable, and wondering where God was. Later that week I had the opportunity to go to a conference that turned out to be more of a retreat for me. I had time to be still and renewed. God took that time to remind me that once again He had my back. That even when I was feeling as if He was nowhere to be found, He was breathing new life in me and restoring me.
Anticipation has not taken on the look that I had thought it would, but I think it has been more authentic this way. I don’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop or blindly believe that life is all sunshine and roses…but it’s somewhere in the middle. I am learning more and more that the bad circumstances don’t have to be the moments that define who I become. I am learning that I can anticipate God being in the good and the bad.